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Got to aim somewhere, so why not aim high.

Mar. 9th, 2019 | 02:12 pm

life time dreams/goals/short term/long term
  1. major in creative writing/sociology and minor in World literature/ japanese :3
  2. join the peace core after all my studies and after i get my masters
  3. to publish my book
  4. Have my book turn into a movie someday
  5. go travel the world, greece, italy, japan, korea, Thailand, Spain, etc.
  6. To learn how to play the piano <3
  7. publish a children book
  8. To be fit, body and mind.
  9. To be in enlightment. ( being in the now)
  10. Learn how to do some origami
  11. Find a job :(
  12. Get permit, Get license
  13. To be love
  14. To be in a protest, where what they are protesting is something that I care about and want to change
  15. go to studio ghibli museum
  16. meet hayao miyazaki
  17. Go to an orchestra, someday
  18. go to a comedy stand up
  19. go to a jazz thingy.
  20. To go to new york city for new year eve :3
  21. go to the mountain when it snow
  22. Build a snow men!
  23. snow boarding!!
  24. ride in a air ballon
  25. iceskating
  26. to lose 20
  27. I want to learn how to play guitar
  28. want to learn how to ball room dance, swing dance. :3
  29. want to take a boat across the ocean.
  30. to get into UC irvine, so i can do creative writing :3
  31. wants to get a telescope so at night time i can watch the stars
  32. convert into buddhism, and to learn more about it
  33. wants to be able to run 6 miles.
  34. start doing yoga
  35. Learn more about art, and develop my style a bit.. but just for hobbies.
  36. on thanks giving attend the feed homeless people thingy.
  37. run a mile for a cause, like breast cancer.
  38. to see cherry blossom again n.n <3
  39. To get a vespa
  40. road trip
  41. go to san frans
  42. To get a yellow buggie
  43. read 20 books a year
  44. Finish my " empty mirages of happiness" story and change it
  45. adopt a dog who needs help :3
  46. to be able to love myself, before i can love another.
  47. To be stronger mentally and emotionally?
  48. start working out
  49. start caring for myself more.
  50. being indendepent
  51. go hiking
  52. go camping in the wilderness :3
  53. to learn how to sew!!!!
  54. learn how to speak an language
  55. learn calligraphy!!
  56. To make my own dress
  57. to cosplay ( haruko bunny outfit ) :3
  58. To attend anime expo for the first time!! (maybe this year)
  59. ride my bike places
  60. To live life to the fullest
  61. to write a story about my struggle with my weight.
  62. To be able to inspire others like how many people have inspired me. :)
  63. fly a kite
  64. those thingies that ride in the dirt?
  65. to learn how to cook ( better)
  66. learn to give and not expect anything.
  67. break out of my comfort zone :)

to be continued. :3

To accomplish great things, we must not only act, but also dream; not only plan, but also believe.
~Anatole France

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Aug. 13th, 2010 | 08:07 pm

10 Ways to Have Peaceful, Loving Relationships

Relationshipsby Lori Deschene

“Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries. Without them, humanity cannot survive.” ~Dalai Lama

Though Valentine’s Day is right around the corner, this is not a post about romance. It’s about any relationship–with your brother, your mother, your coworker, your friend.

And I admit I am not an expert.

I’ve made a million and one mistakes in relationships. I’ve expected too much. Or not asked for what I needed in fear of rocking the boat. I’ve been competitive. I’ve been suspisious. I’ve been dependent. I’d like to think what redeems me from all these mistakes is that I’ve also been honest.

Being self aware, in my opinion, is far more valuable than being perfect–mostly because the former is attainable and helpful, while the latter is neither.

Relationships are not easy. They mirror everything we feel about ourselves and the way the world works. When you’ve had a bad day, the people around you seem difficult. When you’re not happy with yourself, your relationships seem to be lacking.

If you’ve ever gotten in a fight, only to find yourself wondering what you were really upset about, this post may help you. If you’ve ever been disappointed because someone didn’t meet your expectations, this post may help you, too. Feel walked on and unheard? You guessed it–there’s likely something in here that will help you change that.

We don’t live in a vacuum. We have thoughts and feelings that can be confusing. Other people do, too. And just like in the movie Crash, they don’t always collide smoothly.

When I apply these ideas–which I do better sometimes than others–I feel confident, strong, compassionate, and peaceful  in my interactions. I hope they can do the same for you.

1. Do what you need to do for you.

Everyone has personal needs, whether it’s going to the gym after work or taking some alone time on Saturday morning. If someone asks you to do something and your instinct is to honor you own need, do that. I’m not saying you can’t make sacrifices sometimes, but it’s important to make a habit of taking care of yourself. (More on this: 10 Ways to Balance Self Interest & Sacrifice).

Someone once told me people are like glasses of water. If you don’t do what you have to do to keep your glass full, you’ll need to take it from someone else–which leaves them half full. Fill your own glass so you can feel whole and complete in your relationships.

2. Give people the benefit of the doubt.

It’s tempting to doubt people. To assume your boyfriend meant to hurt you by not inviting you out with his friends, or your friend meant to make you feel inadequate by flaunting her money. People who care about you want you to feel happy, even if sometimes they get too wrapped up in their own problems to show it well.

Sometimes they may be hurtful and mean it–let’s not pretend we’re all angels. But that won’t be the norm. It will likely be when they’re hurting and don’t know what to do with it. Odds are they’ll feel bad and apologize later. If you want to get good will, share it by seeing the best in the people you love. When you assume the best you often inspire it.

3. Look at yourself for the problem first.

When you feel unhappy with yourself, it’s easy to find something wrong in a relationship. If you blame another person for what you’re feeling, the solution is on them. But this is actually faulty logic. For starters, it gives them all the control. And secondly, it usually doesn’t solve the problem since you didn’t actually address the root cause.

Next time you feel the need to blame someone for your feelings–something they did or should have done–ask yourself if there’s something else going on. You may find there’s something underlying: something you did or should have done for you. Take responsibility for the problem and you have power to create a solution.

4. Be mindful of projecting.

In psychology, projecting refers to denying your own traits and then ascribing them to the outside world or other people. For example, if you’re not a loyal and trusting friend, you may assume your friends are all out to get you. It’s a defense mechanism that allows you to avoid the discomfort of acknowledging your weaknesses. There’s no faster way to put a rift in your relationships.

This comes back to down to self awareness, and it’s hard work. Acknowledging your flaws isn’t fun; but if you don’t, you’ll continue seeing them in everyone around you. And you’ll continue to hurt. Next time you see something negative in someone else, ask yourself if it’s true for you. It might not be–but if it is, identifying it can help create peace in that relationship.

5. Choose your battles.

Everyone knows someone who makes everything a fight. If you question them about something, you can expect an argument. If you comment on something they did, you’ll probably get yelled at. Even a compliment could create a confrontation. Some people just like to fight–maybe to channel negativity they’re carrying around about the world or themselves.

On the one hand, you have to tell people when there’s something bothering you. That’s the only way to address problems. On the other hand, you don’t have to let everything bother you. When I’m not sure if I need to bring something up, I ask myself these few questions:

  • Does this happen often and leave me feeling bad?
  • Does this really matter in the grand scheme of things?
  • Can I empathize with their feelings instead of dwelling on my insecurity?

Peaceful

6. Confront compassionately and clearly.

When you attack someone, their natural instinct is to defend themself–which gets you nowhere. You end up having a loud conversation where two people do their best to prove they’re right and the other one is wrong. It’s rarely that black and white. It’s more likely you both have points, but you’re both too stubborn to meet in the middle.

If you approach someone with compassion, you will open their hearts and minds. Show them you understand where they’re coming from, and they’ll be willing to see your side. That gives you a chance to express yourself and your expectations clearly. And when you let people know what you need at the right time in the right way, they’re more likely to give that to you.

7. Don’t be afraid to be vulnerable.

There are all kinds of ways you can feel vulnerable in relationships: When you express your feelings for someone else. When you’re honest about yourself or your past. When you admit you made a mistake. People don’t always do these things because they want to maintain a sense of power.

Power allows you a superficial sense of control, whereas true, vulnerable being allows you a sense of authenticity. That’s love: being your true self and allowing someone else to do the same without letting fear and judgment tear it down. It’s like Jimi Hendrix said, “When the power of love overcomes the love of power the world will know peace.” I discussed this more in-depth in 5 Rules for Life.

8. Think before acting on emotion.

This one is the hardest for me. As soon as I feel hurt, frustrated, or angry, I want to do something with it–which is always a bad idea. I’ve realized my initial emotional reaction does not always reflect how I really feel about something. Initially, I might feel scared or angry–but once I calm down and think things through, I often realize I overreacted.

When you feel a strong emotion, try to sit it for a while. Don’t use it or run from it–just feel it. When you learn to observe your feelings before acting on them, you minimize the negativity you create in two ways: you process, analyze, and deal with feelings before putting them on someone else; and you communicate in a way that inspires them to stay open instead of shutting down.

9. Maintain boundaries.

When people get close, boundaries can get fuzzy. In a relationship without boundaries, you let the other person manipulate you into doing things you don’t want to do. You act out of guilt instead of honoring your needs. You let someone offend you without telling them how you feel about it. The best way to ensure people treat you how you want to be treated is to teach them.

That means you have to love and respect yourself enough to do that: to acknowledge what you need, and speak up. The only way to truly have loving, peaceful relationships is to start with a loving, peaceful relationship with yourself. This is a huge topic; if it resonates with you, I recommend this wonderful article (yes, on Oprah’s website) that explains how to set personal boundaries.

10. Enjoy their company more than their approval.

When you desperately need someone’s approval, your relationship becomes all about what they do for you: how often they stroke your ego, how well they bring you up when you feel down, how well they mitigate your negative feelings. This is draining for another person; and it  creates an unbalanced relationship.

If you notice yourself dwelling on pleasing someone else or getting their approval, realize you’re creating that need. (Unless you’re in an abusive relationship, in which case I highly recommend getting help.) Instead of focusing on what you can get from that person, focus on enjoying yourselves together. Oftentimes the best thing you can do for yourself and someone else is let go and give yourself permission to smile.

What do you do to create peaceful, loving relationships?

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Jul. 31st, 2010 | 11:44 am

Yesterday was talking with my mom on facebook, she was just ranting and complaining about my dad. Saying how he looks so stupid when he goes out, how hes always looking at people.  Saying how hes pissing her off because he keeps on looking at porn. My dad would tell me all the ridiculous things she does, as in going to san fran and wanting to look at the chip and dale. My dad told me how while getting gas there was this women he came out of her car with her butt showing and my dad was just going to the store to get his two dollar for gas, but my mom was like, you're just going there just to see her. My mom does have trust issue, but i think its okay to look at porn. My dad told me how they made a pinky promise that my mom will stop smoking and in return my dad will stop looking at people online. My dad told me how, he felt hurt because my mom doesn't seem like she cares or even putting the effort to stop smoking. My mom said that he choose it because he knew that it would be hard for her. But if you want something bad enough you could do it.

Thinking about this makes me feel how is it that someone who hates each other get married. IT makes me so scared to fall in love and to get married. Maybe it's because i feel like i'm unlovable, and i don't understand why someone would love a person like me with so many flaws.

I'm careless, i'm overweight, clumsy.

I even talked with Dan asking him if he isn't attractive to me anymore. He doesn't respond, but think that im not attractive to him. It's not that, it's just that he's always talking about how pretty someone else is, always talking about my flaws. 
After i told him that, he asked me if he could see other people while seeing me. When i ask him again when he woken up he said that he doesn't want to see any one else but me. I wanted to talk with him about it about everything but it's hard. I asked him if he wanted to see other people and he said he doesn't know he is confused. I don't know. our relationship is so complex so complicated that sometime it makes me want to run away until everything is not so complicated. We aren't together but we surely do act like we are together. BUt reality is that we aren't and i guess that what makes it complicated and that none of us are ready. But the crazy thing is that i dont want to lose him, but want to better myself before we are ready. It's going to hurt, to realize that someone you built so much with is seeing other people too, because he's not ready. I know i shouldn't care or get hurt, but it hurts, i guess, i just want him to be with me until we are together. I tried seeing someone else, after he started seeing someone else. And i felt really bad. I felt so disgusted. It didn't seem right, it felt wrong. I'm sure Dan has people who hit on him who are more confident than I am, who are more well put off, more attractive. I guess, i don't understand how can someone love someone who has so many mistakes. I'm not perfect. I'm just a girl trying to brush off the dust off her shoulder and make everything right again..

I'm careless, overweight, and is self conscious, over time i'll be

Gracefull, fit, and confident.


Today is the day that i decided i'm going to stop being so careless.

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Jul. 26th, 2010 | 08:46 pm

My Ideal types.

I guess everyone has their ideal types.

I think the jazzy artistic types are pretty cute :). I would like someone who is confident, has a good sense of humor, open minded, friendly, nice, who can stand up for themselves, someone who isn't embarrassed to be with me. Someone who likes me for me, regardless of my flaws. A kid at heart. :) Someone who is honest and admits his faults, someone who does what he says, someone who follows his dreams.I remember one time i saw a Japanese guy who had long hair and a beard, oh my, he was pretty cute. His wife was cute too, ha. :D Those type are the one that I am naturally attractive to, but of course I'm not picky. Sometimes people have something after having nothing. Sense of humor is always big on me, i rather have someone who can have fun then having a stick up their butt.

But of course, not everyone get their ideal mate, but get someone opposite. It's like that one scene from 500 days of summer, where they were talking about their dream girl. And the guy was like, well, I would like a different hair style on her, more into sport,  But you know what, she real". It's a girl that he been dating for quiet a while now. I love that line, because despite of his ideal mate, he found someone to love. :) I love that movie more than words can say. I love that movie, just because it's about love and not a story about love.

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Jul. 17th, 2010 | 11:37 am

I feel so lonely.

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Jul. 12th, 2010 | 08:45 pm

Yesterday had a good talk with Dan. He brought up some stuff that had made me think about a lot of stuff.   stayed over  Sunday night and while i was staying Fabian texted me and he got super angry and jealous. I told him how he was just a friend and he doesn't believe me. I don't know why he gets so angry or jealous when i talk with other guys. No matter what I tell him he doesn't understand. I know that he had trust issue and I try not to get frustrated because i know what had happened, but he should at least trust me. I know that trust builds, because I know that I can't trust him fully yet, i guess one day our trust in each other will build. Well, Fabian did tell me that he liked me. But to be honest I just see him as a friend. I don't think that i could handle being with someone with him, i'll probably get really irritated easily. Beside i'm not looking for anyone at the moment. Sure people come and they tell me that they like me, but i think that i need to build up my confidence before being with anyone. Because I am not happy with myself. I am happy but not about myself, theres so much I want to do but I feel like I don't have enough time. When I tell Dan that I want to better myself before I am with anyone, it's doesn't mean that I am dating guys before i find my confidences, It's  about finding my inner zen. To be where i want to be at. To be able to stand up on my own, to be fit, to have my confidences back. That's what i want before anything.

Anyways, He asked me If i ever thought about seeing other people, or ever if i am. I told him no. I have though thought about seeing other people, but I don't, because even though things are complicated between Dan and I, I am happy. Just seeing him, spending time with him, or me acting weird as he gives me looks. I know that both of us aren't ready for any relationship, but I still want to take it steady until or if we are ever ready. :) He told me how he did too, I kind of wandering what makes him want to see other people, either because our distant or he wants someone who is more attractive. I know that I am not the most attractive person he's been with, and sometimes i feel like i'm not what he wants. But i guess, the things he do for me I can tell that he does care for  me. It's not that i'm trying to better myself for him, he has motivated me to better myself, to be the best. And that's what  im trying to do. Trying to get myself up again and try to fix myself up. Even the organzation guy told me, that if i style my hair more than i'll be more attractive, i guess sometimes i don't care too much about my appearance and I should start caring more, like brushing my hair, etc and wearing make-up more. Etc.  But i think working out is a first and a must. Then my confidence will come smoothly. Even though, I feel more comfortable talking to people and I don't get nervous anymore, but i still sit around and listen to people converstations and sometimes when i have something to say, i choose not to express it. Which is another problem of mind. But regardless of what  anyone has said, i do believe that my confidence level has risen. I was opening up to him as he was opening up to me.

I told him all the guys that hit on me in San Diego and he tells me all the people he gets hit on over there. 

He told me how he was acting different because he didn't know how to react to not seeing me as much. I just wish that he knew that i never did stop thinking about him when I started school.

Sometimes i feel like, he was being distant because I can't tell him the L word. Sometimes i feel like i'm just hurting him because i can't tell him that. But at the same time i want him to be close with me still. I just want him to understand, that I am not ready for a serious relationship, even though we are kind of together and we kind of arent and things had happen between us. I just want to be the best before i am with anyone. To be confident, fit and happy with myself. And i think that's most important. It's not that i don't love him. I do, but i'm just scared to give him my heart when we aren't officially together. But there are time when laying next to him i want to tell him that i love him. i've been trying to push myself to say it, but it's hard. It's easy to say, to him when he tells me, I love you jennie, and i respond I love you forrest. But it's just so hard to say, Buddha-kun, i love you. He ask me if i love him, and i say yes, then he said yes to what? And ill stay quiet. But i am being more expressive.  just need to w ork on myself. NO more excuses, just got to do it. Because i really want to find myself again.

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Jul. 10th, 2010 | 12:10 pm

Signed up for fall session yesterday.

So far my schedule will be;

Math 96 mw
English ( i forgot what kind)
Biology 107+lab

Then when my registeration for grossmont comes going to sign up for Japanese.
I wanted to resign up for jazz dance, but the same teacher not going to be there for fall. It sucks though alot of classes has been cancelled. :(

I am so happy that i'm so near transferring :)
All i need is, after done with fall session of course is; Globalization, math 115, Antro and I think that is all!! But of course I want to take some courses for my major, like world lit, world religion, world history, fundamental of ficition writing, and continue on piano :)

Hopefully they will have intersession and summer session next year. :)

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Jul. 5th, 2010 | 02:33 pm

An old friend from world music class called me before i was going up to l.a. He asked how i've been and asked if I'm still with the guy i told him about. It seem like he was trying to convince me to break up with him, because 1) he lives 2 hours away and it's a hassle to drive, 2) we aren't officially together, 3)  It seems like i'm leading him on. He was saying how when i need someone to talk with or support that i don't have anyone close by. But i told him that regardless of the distant between Dan and I that I am happy just calling him to talk about things that are bothering me. I don't need him next to me to be happy, sure i don't get to spend so much time with him but i am happy with the amount of time i do get to spend time with him, since i am handling my stuff and going back to school so i can major in English in UCI. Sure, it doesn't make sense that we are spending so much time with each other, and things had happened, sure even though i am not ready for a relationship, I am happy with Dan taking things slow until i get myself situationed before anything. :) Sure, there are times when he tells me that he loves me and i shy away from saying it back it's not that I don't love him, it's just that i am not ready to say it to him yet. There are times when i would want to, but I don't. It shouldn't matter how many times i say it to him,as long as he can feel then he should know, But of course say it to someone that you care about when you feel it, not everyday. Even though i don't say it to him, doesn't mean that i dont. I do little things that i hope he knows that i do love him, like, driving 2 hours to see him. Doing small things for him, etc. He also asked me if i would ever move in with him, I told him how, I would, but he's mom doesn't seem to like me so much, so i wouldn't want to move in with him where i am not welcomed at, that is why i would prefer my own house near irvine or so.

Sure, there are people in San Diego who likes me for some reason, but I wouldn't want to break up with someone just because someone is closer. I am happy even though things are complicated. But of course, things are always complicated and sometimes you just got to let things happen and not let it bother you. :)

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Jun. 28th, 2010 | 04:20 pm

Lately, I've been trying to be more expressive and not let anything complicated bother me. Everything has been good. I've be'men more open to Dan more. Even though, i still shy away from telling him my feelings but everything is in a working progress. I started calling him more rather than waiting for him to call me now, the sad thing is when I call him i have nothing really to say, I just wanted to hear from him.I do tend to text him without waiting for him now. Today eariler i called him because i wanted to talk to him about a few things, regardling my feelings and what we talked about , but i got really nervous that he answered and i pretty much forgot what i was going to say.For some reason it feels like a long time since we've talked even though we talk everyday. When i went to l.a the other day he talked about some stuff that i just wanted to reassure him on things, not that it was bothering me, but just wanted to tell him that everything is okay. He told me, how he's afraid to give me alot of attention because he feels like i might get bored of him. He talked about how people always want something that they can't have, etc. I guess that why he doesn't give a lot of attention to me now,  maybe because of that. But i love it when he would call me during his break, after work and when we would go to sleep. Or text me during the day and we would exchange werid conversation. He shouldn't be scared . A lot of people would want things that they can't have, sure, i would like a japanese guy with a beard and long hair, but unfornately i don't have that. Regardless if i do or not, I am happy with Dan. Despite if he's chunky, or doesn't have long hair, He is real and he is not my dream guy. He makes me happy when im with him. something is there when im with him, even so im not ready to admit it, but eventually, I will be ready to tell Dan that I love him.I like him for who he is, and I don't think i would change anything or trade anything of what i have with dan for someone who is fake. I like Dan because he can joke around with me at times, even though he stares at me, i laugh. I like how he has childish side.  I like how he pushes me. i like laying next to him, i like holdng him when we sleep, i lke waking up with him by myside, i like his chubbyness, it's soft.

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May. 11th, 2010 | 11:52 am

My aunt had visited for a while during her business trip last week. And I really do love having heart to heart conversations with her because she's always there to listen and understands me well. I was telling her how i'm not ready for a relationship because i feel like i have to better myself before hand. My aunt ask me if i was depressed. I shrug, I never thought of it. There are times when i am down but overal i am happy about certain things. She ask me what makes me happy and that what made me sad. Following short term or long term dreams is what makes me happy, smaller things. I don't know. There's so much that i want to do with myself, I know that i can do alot of things but i lack confidence.

I see a lot of improvements within my self from previous years and tremendous improvement from when I had my eating disorder. But i'm still not where i want to be at. Sometimes i feel like i don't deserved to be loved, until i am 100% better. Sometimes i feel like how can anyone love me, because i have so many flaws. I guess that is why i don't understand why people like me or are interested in me. I guess that is why i am holding  back to much. I just want to be the best that i can be before i am someone elses.

I just want to find back my confidence. I want to lose weight the healthy way, I want to find a job already, and I want to go to UC irvine, just so i know that i am closer to my dreams.

 


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